So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
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