All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
