i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
