So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
