You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
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