It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
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