i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
