I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Randomize
