Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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