I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Randomize
