question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
