I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
