I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
