based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
