The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
