If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize