Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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