I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
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