Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
