So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
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