you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
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