we're chasing vodka with high fives
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
