I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
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