im having a threesome with these popsicles
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
