Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Randomize
