I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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