I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
