So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
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