o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
