Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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