Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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