Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
We had to coat check the pizza.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I supernannyed him into submission
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Randomize
