There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
