too bad you live with your parents still
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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