he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
My penis needs a shock collar
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
