Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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