I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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