who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Randomize
