Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
