yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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