I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
