I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
