you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Randomize
