I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
