I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Randomize
