Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
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