i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
