chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
