i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
