I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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