why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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