I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
