I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
