The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
