We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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