if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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