Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize