I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
