11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Randomize
