Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
