phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Randomize