I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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