I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Randomize
