I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
