We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Everclear isn't food dammit
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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